stalin's gran

Let's Hope He Got A Good One

2007-03-07T11:10:00.000Z

A pay-off, I mean. Clive Goodman has been sacked by the the News of the World, while in prison, no less, for hacking into the phones of Royalty. Now, it is hard to defend what Clive did, but the reasons for it are obvious - under pressure to produce stories he did anything he could. It's a shame the stories were so mediocre, but there we are, and hardly worth losing your life over. But it says so much about the way that News International, particularly, operates. They will be able to sack him without compensation because he has been convicted of an offence - so perhaps he did not get a pay-off after all. Either way, this is hardly the way to reward a man who has worked for you for more than 15 years. Still, you're only ever as good as your last story.

Ding Dong Ming Mong!

2007-03-05T14:05:00.000Z

Wonderful cock-up over the weekend. "We don't need PR to support you," the Minger tells Brown. Which is a bit unfortunate really, different as it is to what has been said before. Might as well just bend over, really, Ming, and join the other 50 per cent of your party who take it up the arse. Ming's merry men could not organise an Oaten in a public lavatory, could they? Particularly foolish as they look trying to deny it all today. Mind you, Ming is getting old and probably just forgot to mention it. But the point is that he has nailed himself to the Labour mast when there is a large part of his party who think that a) the Tories are likely to have the most MPs after the next election and b) the Lib Dems should join up with Cameron's "liberal" Conservatives and not grey Gordon's antediluvian army. Can we see a split coming, with the Orange Bookers and fellow travellers going with the Tories and the sandal-wearers heading to support Labour? That would be fun.

Lies, Damn Lies And The Sun Gagged.

2007-03-05T13:28:00.000Z

Sun gagged? I did. It is true that crack open journalism and you will find a basic kernel of untruth but the Sun has outshone even itself this morning with a disingenuous pile of old crap written by its political editor. "Sun Gagged" screams the headline, about the injunction against the BBC's "cash for questions" story and the alleged killer email. Of course, the implication of the Sun story is that the Sun has that email and has been targetted by Lord Goldsmith, the AG himself, because of its fearless and highly professional journalism. Bollocks. The injunction applies to all publications and if the Sun has the email or would ever publish it am Recess Monkey's uncle and believe Margaret Thatcher is dead.

Let's All Make A Bomb

2007-02-21T12:30:00.000Z

A stirring call to arms in the Times today from Danny Finkelstein, setting out the reasons why we should attack Iran, an action which seems to me eminently sensible if your definition of sensible is outright, stark-staring mad. I am sure many people will take it seriously, appearing as it does in the world's smallest paper of record owned by a porn-peddling Australo-American. Less perceptive readers, because it was mentioned nowhere in the article, may not, however, realise that Danny Finkelstein is Jewish. And could just have a particular bagel to bake.

Fucking Hell I Got Propositioned Tonight

2007-02-21T01:25:00.000Z

By which I mean, there I was walking along Piccadilly, having come from the pub and thinking, blimey must get to Piccadilly Circus tube, when what looked like an Italian tourist young lady walked up and said, got a light. Yes, I say, because I had, and offered to light her cigarette, after she proffered it, for her. As I did so her hand went somewhere and mine, frankly, ever pragmatic, went to my wallet, to check it was still there. Very strange, and I thought, hey what is happening here? What was her plan? Well, clearly money. Do I look like a John? I bloody hope not. But what was on offer? Blow job in Green Park? Long tube journey home for soulless/ful sex on my sofa in my sad living space in sarf London? I mean, what was she thinking of? And she clearly by the end of the invitation was not Italian. Of course, I went my chaste way home. I thought, well, that sort of thing probably happened in the 18th century, but how fascinating that eastern Europeans seem to be re-animating our past. I have lived in London for 20 years and that has NEVER happened before. Welcome to the new world comrades. I said she could be my cleaner. What have we done?

Pass De Story On De Left Hand Side

2007-02-14T10:22:00.000Z

So how come the "exclusive" story of David Cameron smoking weed - gasp! - at Eton was in every Sunday newspaper first edition bar two? As we know, it originated with those remarkable sleuths at the Independent on Sunday, James Hanning and Francis Elliott, who have pubished a book called Cameron: Something Or Other and clearly know how to use a newspaper library. It was then sold by their publishers to the Mail On Sunday, where Simon Walters, political editor, wrote yet another exclusive that someone had given him. But how then did it get into the News of the World, the Sunday Times, the Sunday Express (what?), the Observer and the Sunday Telegraph? Theories exist. Was it a Conservative anti-spin spin operation, on the basis that they aimed to defuse the "exclusive" nature of the story and make it simply ho-hum, which it was? Did the Mail on Sunday leak it so they would not have to pay as much for the story (that has been known to happen in newspapers, you know)? The only trouble with the Tory theory is the inclusion of the Observer, but then it is so counter-intuitive that it makes sense and the editor is a Tory anyway. Or was it a disgruntled hack who had fallen upon the story before and had it denied by the Tory machine then got wind it was around last weekend? We may never know. But it might be worth hanging around with the boys in Victoria to find out.....

The Daily Mail - A Warning From History

2007-02-13T08:58:00.000Z

A piece in the Daily Mail by Geoffrey Levy, about the Baader-Meinhof/Red Army Faction terrorist Brigitte Mohnhaupt, who is about to be paroled, has the sub-headline "As a member of Baader-Meinhof, this owman murdered nine innocent people". Would anybody like to help me define "innocent"?

Pizza and Capitalism - Why Pizza Express Should Be Nationalised

2007-02-12T18:11:00.000Z

When I was but a lad, Pizza Express pizzas used to be quite pleasant, really. In fact, and this may be a sign of complete provincialism and lack of sophistication of any sort, they were a bit of a treat. Then a few years ago, the restaurant pizzas seemed to get smaller and just a little bit crap. Now they are sold in supermarkets. I had one last night for my tea. It was disgusting, inedible, a disgrace. And do you know why? Because, as any student of business will be aware, the original, jazz-loving founder of Pizza Express, Peter Boizot, is long gone, and the chain is now owned by private equity. The scum of the earth. Give the people back their pizzas.

How The Veil Works

2006-11-03T11:51:00.000Z

I find the wearing of the veil in this country by Muslim women offensive and mediaeval, but it does seem to work. I was standing next to a seated, veiled young woman on the tube today, with a rucksack on her lap, and all I could look at were her hands.

Cowardly, Cowardly Bastards

2006-11-01T00:45:00.000Z

I am just going to say one thing here, and it is in the post headline. They are all careerists when it comes down to it. How dare these cunts promulgate one thing in an EDM - political graffiti as has been said and now proved - and then not vote for it. Tony Blair has caused death and mayhem on an unimaginable scale and he gets away with it. I do not care about the Iraqis really, sad to say, but I do care about some poor bastard from Preston having his legs blown off or his mate dying for no reason. Tell me what the reason is. And then these chicken Labour MPs back out when they have a chance to stop it. I am not going to go on about the geo-political imperatives but this is simply madness. I will leave the analysis for others. But why squander our troops' lives on a shithole?

Keith Allen: An Apology

2006-11-01T00:05:00.000Z

All right, I still think you are basically a cunt. But the Sheriff of Nottingham makes me laugh. Particurlary the line last week or so when the Sheriff was allegedly assasinated by a "terrorist". I shot the Sheriff, says said terrorist. No you didn't, says Keith. You shot the deputy. Referring to his lookalike, who was in the village in his stead. OK, I know he didn't write it. But it was delivered well. Bit of respect.

Jon Cruddas Must Be Labour Deputy

2006-10-31T17:30:00.000Z

As the political debate rages (oh, all right then) over who is going to replace the bonking lard-bucket as deputy once Tone fucks off to the celebrity-politico circuit, the power of the people should go behind Mr Cruddas. Forget Hilary Benn - his dynasty is well discredited and even if he had the views of his father he would have to be liquidated before getting his bum on the deputy's seat. No, Jon deseves it. After all, he was the first agent of the Comintern to penetrate Downing Street since the days of Harold Wilson.

PS apologies to my reader for a) the previous two posts and b) a prolonged absence. I was a) pissed b) crushing a Trotskyite outbreak near Nuneaton

Keith Allen Come On Then

2006-08-31T02:12:00.000+01:00

You useless sad cunt...the only thing you were ever any good in was The Comic Strip's The Bullshitters, which was an attempt to take the piss out of The Professionals, which sort of worked, but is mainly now a historical record of pre-regeneraion Docklands. Now you are tarting your daughter about.....

Lily Allen

2006-08-31T01:53:00.000+01:00

Don't you want to slap the spoiled North London bitch? Actually, I would rather punch her dad....

Matthew Parris Is A Sad Git

2006-08-31T00:01:00.000+01:00

I am sorry but I cannot believe that Matthew Parris, spinster of this, er, parish, political commentator of alleged note, llama-breeder, supercilious cunt and general all-round gay man was loath to publish his civil partnership celebrations with a boy much his younger this week. He even left out the official gay and royal correspondent of the alleged newspaper the Times, from which he draws a large salary and for which he writes crap about being a gay man, political commentator (what does that actually mean) and a llama-breeder. Only sort of breeder he will ever be, dearie. That Times corespondent was Andrew Pierce, the high queen of gay journalism, who had to follow a story by the excellent Richard Kay in the Mail. Andy must have been, ooh, spitting. Matty (as we do not call him) hitched up with a much younger man who started life as his reseacher and is now a leader writer on the - wait for it - Guardian. His name is Julian Glover, who I have always thought was an actor, but clearly not, who is married to that lovely middle-aged actress who got her tits out throughout the 1980s in the History Man and House of Cards. No, this Julian Glover is clearly only there because he is sleeping with Matthew Parris and looks a bit like David Miliband. But the main point must be that he was Matty's researcher. If I did that I would be vilified, would I not? Destroy all of the self-satisfied cunts.

I Am Not A Racist But

2006-08-29T23:46:00.000+01:00

You will find in the newspapers tomorrow ie Wednesday a number of senior business figures calling on Mr Tony Blair, that is the Prime Minister, for now, to allow unfettered immigration from Romania and Bulgaria when they join the EU (however mad that concept may be). Why are they doing this? For exactly the same reason that in the 1950s the advent of the Windrush and its ilk was so welcomed by the capitalist interest: cheap labour. At a time when the working class in this country were having their children educated by the welfare state and the children of miners were becoming accountants, teachers and, heaven forfend, journalists, those same people who put children in the mills or youngsters up chimneys realised that their pool of desperate drudges was being diminshed. Answer? Get a new lot. Exactly what the bastards want now. So are the Poles and the Lithuanians, currently slaving (excuse the joke) at the bottom of the heap, going to be replaced by others even cheaper? You bet they are, if these bastards have their way. So what of the remnants of the British working class? Well, you could argue that if they are still there, they must have missed a trick, but they are, getting more pissed off by the minute. It will take one demagogue to get them moving. I might be free next Tuesday.

Most Superfluous Notice Of The Week

2006-07-27T17:28:00.000+01:00

Evening Standard, comment section, page 12: "Yasmin Alibhai-Brown is away."

It Asda Be A Joke

2006-07-01T21:33:00.000+01:00

In 1992, a senior correspondent on a national newspaper earned, I am told, around £40,000. Someone of my acquaintance has just taken a job on a national newspaper, in a specialist role, for £35,000. 14 years later. Now, that is more than a lot of people, but that is not the point. Even underestimating inflation, the £40,000 would now be £60,000. Clearly someone, somewhere, is having a laugh. I think we know who it is. The Asda-isaton of our society continues apace. There is nothing wrong, on the surface, with low prices, or low wages if they still give spending power. After all, it is all relative. The first packet of fags I ever bought cost 37.5 of your new pence. However, this concept will always be skewed in favour of the boss class. Low prices, they say, mean lower wages are acceptable. But the gap is inherently biased against the worker/consumer. Not to mention the child making trainers in China or Bangladesh. Something for three pounds is expensive if you only have £150 a week to pay for everything. In America, $30,000 dollars is considered to be a middle class salary, which even there is arrant rubbish. Anyway, back to the newsroom. We all know the printers were bastards, particularly the National Graphical Association president, a Mr M. Mouse, and his deputy, Mr B. Bunny, but I am sure you will recognise the phrase that if you tolerate this, your children will be next. And, my scrbbling friends, they have been.

Doctor Fucking What

2006-06-21T22:06:00.000+01:00

I am fucking seething. I am angry beyond words. I cannot articulate my fucking fury. But I will. I have just watched the latest episode of Doctor Who several days late, thanks to Mr Rupert Murdoch's Sky + systemy thingy. What a pile of shite. How dare they do this? I have loved the new series but suddenly whoever this twat is who used to write Shameless, who has grandly written this episode about a bunch of Doctor Who fans, taking the piss, diverts it into a post-modernist ironic load of bollocks. Do not take the piss, you useless gay twat. Sorry, generally. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. Oh sorry, politics.....shit I can't be bothered.

Do I Really Need To Say Anything?

2006-06-09T14:47:00.000+01:00

From Alastair Campbell via the capitalist interweb thingy:

Tomorrow England kick off their World Cup campaign. And you can follow their progress on Labour's website with myself and Sadiq Khan, MP for Tooting. Sadiq and I will be watching all the drama and excitement from Germany and will be blogging exclusively on the site. You never know... there might even be a bit of politics along the way. Please join us online and send in your comments. We'd be delighted to hear your views.
Labour.org.uk/worldcup
Alastair Campbell , one of Labour's World Cup bloggers

Re views: bet you wouldn't.

Two Jags Three Shags Two Dinners

2006-06-01T01:29:00.000+01:00

John Prescott in Newcastle. Surrounded by his security men from London in a curry restaurant in the centre of town. Outside are the local plod, alert as ever to any violent mobs demanding he stop shagging his secretaries or playing croquet. The London rozzers shepherd the great man out of the restaurant, he having demolished a platter of rogan josh, pilau rice, vegetable curry and all the usual accoutrements. "Where we going sir?" says local plod. "Back to the hotel?" "Nah mate," says Bodie or possibly Doyle, the guys with the big bulges in their jackets. "Know a good Italian? He wants a pizza now." Tis true, promise.

I Really Like John Reid, I Really Do, Honest

2006-05-24T18:40:00.000+01:00

John Reid, the newly appointed Home Secretary, has my deep and unalloyed admiration, he really does. Not only has he gone into the Home Office, his 27th Cabinet job in as many years or something, and told them they are all a bunch of cunts, which is palpably true, but he is an old Stalinist tankie of the first order. "Red" Reid does not mess about, and is just the comrade to supply the sort of smack of firm Government that this country needs. Thank heavens he does not drink, and is no longer the man who once consumed possibly 10 whisky and lemonades at lunch. And no food. The lemonade, I think, was a very stylish touch. And his deep admiration for the Bosnian Serb freedom fighter Radovan Karadzic (whereabouts, I believe, still unknown - I'd suggest starting at John's house - if they can find a sliver of cannbis, they can find a large former pyschiatrist, surely?) is something that can only affirm one's awe for the man's judgement. If only he would rename the Home Office the Ministry of the Interior (MiniTer) then we could all certainly sleep safer in our beds. A friend of mine once asked Red John what attracted him first to his new-ish South American wife, apart from the raunchy films she auteuresses. "Her ahss", he replied, at which my pal leaned round and had a look, opining, "Yeah it is quite nice, actually". A fellow Scot broke in to say, in a mock-English accent : "He said her eyes, ya fucking twat."

All Men Are Rapists

2006-05-16T11:33:00.000+01:00

In a "refurbished" Central London pub last night, cheap wood and brown paint, with those awful laminated menus on every table offering fish n chips and nachos "to share", with bar staff who seem puzzled by the concept of actually pouring a full pint, I had occasion, as you do, to use the gentlemen's conveniences. Walking past the obligatory condom machine, I noticed it was plastered with official messages, a bit like cigarette packets are now since the European Union put cancer in tabs. Under the coin slot was the exhortation "Don't put it in unless you have permission", and I don't think it meant the £2 coin. Although it may have been a knowing, post-modern, ironic joke, and very funny for it. Further down potential purchasers were warned "Intercourse without permission can lead to prison ". More direct and thanks for the reminder. Now, this is fucking (oh, the sparkling wordplay) ridiculous. One minute we are all supposed to carry condoms in case we give eachother unpleasant, or indeed life-threatening, diseases. The next minute we are being warned only to buy condoms if the partner in question has signed a formal, legally-binding agreement to sexual intercourse on the back of a beermat. Fortunately, being out with work colleagues and not being John Prescott, this was not a dilemma I faced on this particular evening. However, it made me think how totally ridiculous things have become. Personally, I believe the relationship between the sexes is more open than it has been for a long time. Perhaps it is because I am ageing rapidly, but in my youth political correctness (not the nonsense liberal PC of nowadays, but true political correctness) seemed to mean that nobody could make a move. That, thank fuck (see what I did there again?) has passed into history. But to start putting warnings about rape on a condom machine is such arrant nonsense that I would claim to have been left speechless if I had not spent the last few minutes writing this. Have you ever heard of a rapist who fumbled around for change for the johnny machine first? I really don't think so. It is, as ever, a mad world, my masters.

Down Among The Z Men

2006-05-10T15:33:00.000+01:00

Alternatively, out and about with the halt and the lame. I had occasion, further details of which you will not want to know, to visit my doctor this week in deepest South London. Now, for historical reasons, this is my doctor - but his practice is in a part of the capital which I would not normally choose to visit except in a very fast car. Which was not going to stop. It is not that it is dangerous, or even particularly diverse. It is just shit. And what stunned me, in the mid-morning time when I was there, was the horror of what must be daily life for the bulk of the population. Strip away all those who were at work (probably not as many as we are led to believe), and you are left with people either wearing hoodies and don't-fuck-with-me expressions or those needing some sort of aid with which to ambulate. Sticks, frames, prams containing the future people using sticks and frames. The third world with a veneer of semi-civilisation. Children pushing children probably 15 or 16 years younger than they are and to whom they have recently given birth. Get on a bus and you enter a Breughel-like hell of disability, despair and pain. I tell you, I had to give my suit a particularly vigorous brushing afterwards. Oh, and Tony, I thought things could only get better?

A Right Hash Of It

2006-04-29T17:31:00.000+01:00

John Reid is a bit of a folkie who is no bad hand with an acoustic guitar. Cool in a kaftan as well, perhaps. And is there anything else they would like to get off their chests?

It's Been A Bad Week For The Government

2006-04-28T17:05:00.000+01:00

But will things be looking a little rosier for them, and particularly for John Prescott, by the weekend? Not if a lot of people working hard right now have anything to do with it......

My Telly Blew Up Last Night

2006-04-18T12:45:00.000+01:00

No, honest, it did. There I was watching 1973, the Rock and Roll Years, on Sky+ from last week or thereabouts, and Bryan Ferry is singing In Every Home A Heartache, which was quite prescient of him bearing in mind the dickhead his son turned out to be, and the f..king thing goes bang and smoke starts pouring out. I did not think they (ie TVs) were supposed to do that anymore. I thought they were supposed to quietly expire and then take themselves down to the recycling centre or whatever and be gently made into plastic pots and Dell computers. But no, this one went out with a, er, bang. And smoke. Now I have to buy a new one. Bastard capitalists.

I Have Been Told Off For Swearing

2006-04-18T04:01:00.000+01:00

.......by a number of my co-respondents who feel that occasionally this blog goes too far on the toilet-tongued end of things. Henceforth readers, I hope, will recognise the following abbreviations.
MCW means middle class wankers.
FLC means fucking Labour cunts.
TFD means Tory fucking dickheads.
And Who? means the Liberal Democrats.

As for the BNP, I cannot begin to express it. Although I think the word Nobhead might be involved.

The Big Apple

2006-04-14T14:40:00.000+01:00

I am sitting here with the iPod routed throught the stereo listening to a stream of allegedy random music but which does not seem to be. The iPod on shuffle seems to automatically theme, ie you get a stream of 70s, then a stream of 80s etc. Don't really do 90s meself. And the point about iPods is that they go wrong. Mine goes wrong if I try to listen to it through headphones but works fine in my palatial home, apart from the streaming bit. Is this a matter to do with using Windows? Dunno. But the point is that how much are we prepared to let these massive corporations - and Apple, though allegedly hip cool or whatever the street word is, is a massive corporation - rule our lives? They want us to download their music so we don't really own it except through them. And then their stuff doesn't work. So we have to buy a new one. Now I do not want to return to the age of 78s but at least you had it in your hand.

Go On, Ask Him Why He Looks 14

2006-04-13T10:58:00.000+01:00

The Europe Minister, Mr Dougie Alexander, has graciously consented to answer questions from the plebs by means of the British Broadcasting Corporation. Tony and Gordon have let him out of school specially.

From the BBC website: "What do you want to know about the European Union?
More than 60 per cent of people surveyed in the UK do not understand the workings of the EU.Initial findings of a study carried out by Eurobarometer on behalf of the European Commission also found people want more information. The minister for Europe, Douglas Alexander MP, will answer your questions on BBC News 24 at 1130bst on Thursday 13 April. What would you like to know about the EU? Do you have a question about how it is structured, staffed or funded and how it affects your life? Send you question for the minister by clicking the button below. This debate will be available on the website later in the day."

Who Do You Love?

2006-04-12T23:54:00.000+01:00

Fantastic piece today in Private Eye - despite the fact that they are a bunch of middle class wankers - about the Blair-Brown local government launch love-in. The cheeseyness of it, the pathetic attempts at orchestration, the sheer self-delusion of the main players, which all shows that Blair still has not realised he must simply fuck off and quickly and Brown thinks the people will love him. He must be mad. They will hate him for his detachment, his stealth taxes, his creepy bachelorhood, his terminal gaucheness and his eventual catalogue bride. And the people charged with organising that fiasco (the local goverment launch I mean) all think they are professionals, do they? The Lib Dems and the Tories must be creaming themselves. Professional is not being seen doing it. Ask Charlie Whelan, and mention the Red Lion. Lib Dems again. Also loved the tale of Ian Kirby, alleged political editor of the News of the World, being called in to interview the ridiculous pair and hearing Dave "Over the" Hill, press secretary or something apparently, instructing Tone and Gord to talk to eachother as Kirby approached. Play nice, children, eh? Blair is a vacuous self-seeking wannabe popstar and future celebrity who should have been in Coldplay and hijacked the party of the people, betrayed a generation who yearned for a Labour government under Thatcher and is prepared to get in bed with Bush and Berlusconi. Gordon Brown is a man who makes David Miliband look interesting. Give me Alan Milburn any time. And I hate to say it, but give me call me Dave? Also, the only good thing about David Hill is he is not Alastair Campbell. Which is probably why Campbell effectively sacked him before Hill returned. Still, I wonder how the Kirby story got into Private Eye. Kirby, who has not had a real story in his entire NoW career, was probably boasting in the Press Gallery, and some dreadful snitch told it on. Poor soul. Still, he can always commission another poll. That will give him a story. I hate to say this as an alleged blogger, but the quality of political reporting in the newspapers is at an all-time low compared to what you can find with the judicial use of a mouse (and I do not include myself in that). What a load of bollocks, and if you think that means I do not have any answers, so what. I would not have started from here.

Great Fantastic Smashing

2006-03-27T10:36:00.000+01:00

Morrisey is looking increasingly like Jim Bowen, don't you think? How long before my gay friends start having Bullseye parties instead of gathering around recordings of the Eurovision Song Contest.....

For The Benefit Of Mr Kite

2006-03-24T16:42:00.000Z

And the other reader who is not referred to me via Guido, to whom I stupidly offered this little missive, here is wot I reckon the Sun should have wrote about the Budget...

TOFFS' TIPPLE DUTY FROZEN

By Stalin's Gran-Watson

Gordon Brown continued Labour's sucking up to the boss class in his Budget yesterday by freezing the duty on champagne.

Toffs will pay the same for their tipple as before - but the working man was hit with big rises in the cost of beer and fags.

Quaffing his "champers" from a crystal glass, smoking a large cigar and wearing a top hat while grinding the faces of the poor into the dust, Sir Richard Croesus, boss of Amalgamated Amalgamations, the international amalgamations firm, boasted to the Sun: "I've always been Labour, old boy!"

Well, it made Paul Linford laugh.

A Bellyfull Of Sugar

2006-03-22T16:58:00.000Z

I was nailed to the sofa after a few bottles of Belorussan Pinot Noir (not bad after the first two) late last night and caught something which appeared to involve Alan Sugar shouting at young people. I assume it was on BBC15 or something because, I now learn, it was first broadcast last week. At least a wine bottle falling over had not switched the TV to Channel People's Porn or XXX Amateur Factory Workers as it often does. Apparently, the programme was about business or something similar and called the Apprentice. Anyway, despite my befuddled state, I soon realised what a terrible, terrible thing this was. First, what does Alan Sugar (Sugar, Schmugar, I say) know anyway? Amstrad were crap, weren't they? Secondly, the young people concerned (who all seemed to be called things like Syed, or Mani, or Strange Girl With Big Tits, although that one could have been just in my mind) were clearly all knobheads. Today, Sugar is in trouble in the Mail for saying his televisual school of bearded Jewish capitalism and East End aggression was not a Further Education college "where dumbkopfs come to learn to make mistakes". As the Mail helpfully points out, his new computer firm, Viglen (is that crap as well?), supplies a great many FE colleges. He has been complained about by no less a body than the Association of Colleges. Quite right too. Git.
But I digress. This programme is a disgrace. It promotes the vacuous, meaningless, management-speak culture in which we are now forced to live and which has if anything been encouraged by this poor excuse for a Labour government. The knobheads all described themselves as "management consultants" or some such bullshit, but they could not appear to work out that if you sell a piece of pizza for less than it costs to produce it, you are not going to make money. Even I know that and I think a command economy is cutting edge stuff. Now it might be said that such a programme is actually exposing the ridiculousness of these people, but I fear that may be just false consciousness on my part. In fact the very idea that these appalling wannbes have to give up their proper job (its amazing - actually, perhaps not - that they have ones) to compete for Sugar's approval and a job with the multi-millionaire for a whole £100,000 is capitalism run riot. Add to that the modern media culture where this is entertainment and you have a society gone absolutely mad.

I Am Smoking A Fag (Why Rod Liddle Should Be A Tosser But Isn't)

2006-03-21T17:27:00.000Z

A lot of people seem to thing Rod Liddle is a bit of a tosser, and it is true that as he gets older he seems perversely to be trying to look more and more like Bob Geldof. At least you can't see the earring any more because of the unkempt, over-long grey hair. But, whatever, he becomes an Honorary Hero of the People for his remarkable appearance on Sky News last night. Somehow, Rod had persuaded Murdoch's televisual minions a) to have someone more interesting on than the usual b-list, brain-dead zombies from the Times and the Sun, ie himself, and b) to allow him to be interviewed in a Westminster pub. As I was in a pub myself at the time, I could not hear a word he said, but I am sure it was good. Anyway, there he was having what I assume was a verbal dust-up with John Lloyd of the New Statesman, when clearly it is signalled by the interviewer that it is Lloyd's turn to speak. Rod, not realising that the screen has been split rather than being filled entirely by Lloyd, reaches nonchalantly forward, grabs a fag, lights it and takes a big draw. A scene unlike anything seen since the 1960s, when interviewees used to puff away freely throughout the programme; and do you know, back then, not one single TV studio burned down? Rod's actions, however, have clearly stunned the producer/cameraman who is aware that Rod is still on view to however many people actually watch Sky when James Rubin isn't on (that was a joke). A hand is seen waggling at Rod in a "what the bloody hell are you doing, you can't smoke on telly" sort of way. Rod thinks for a second, then smirks and takes another puff. A medal for the man, please.

Anatole Kaletsky: What Does He Do? And Why?

2006-03-16T11:51:00.000Z

Never has the word "tosser" been more cleartly defined than by this patronising, pathetic, arrogant bleat in the Times that their alleged economics guru can't buy nice bread any more. Trees died for that. In vain.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,1061-2087780,00.html

Oaten She Tell Him To Bugger Off ?

2006-02-21T15:16:00.000Z

Heartwarming, do you not think, to see Mr and Mrs Oaten together again after all she has been through and all that has been through him? A lovely picture of them together on the front page of the Daily Mail, I thought. If only there had been a gate, like David Mellor's famous family pic. But a word of warning to Belinda. Take a good look at Oaten's face, and indeed, his general demeanour. The balding shaven head. The bit-too-loud suit. The slightly too garish, fat-knot tie, askew as well. The fat lips and the cheesy, how did I get away with this, grimace/grin. There are hundreds of people who look like that in politics and in lobbying (which Oaten used to do). And the majority of them are gay. And if they are not gay full-time, then people like that will certainly lend a hand when they are short. And who was the also shaven-headed man in the other picture in the Daily Mail? I think we need to know. No, don't trust him Belinda. He's a shit, dear.

My Wife Does Not Understand Me - Or Indeed English

2006-01-22T21:54:00.000Z

The New Roman Empire has actually given the East a delicious revenge on you lot in the West. After the accession of nations from behind the old Iron Curtain (as I believe you called it - we preferred the Great Defensive Wall Against Capitalism) into the EU, there is now a huge influx of our people into your countries. Particularly young women. Particularly good-looking young women. And with the brain of every British woman under the age of around 37 fried by years of drug abuse, particularly the cursed E, they are atttracting a lot of interest. Which will inevitably lead to a big injection of Slavic genes into the British population. Gotcha!

What A Load of Shite - Andrew Neil Exclusive

2006-01-20T00:08:00.000Z

Sorry, I have just had a very boring evening watching Question Time and then some fucking shit presented by Andrew Neil and I accept I should get out more. Any offers at all...oh well then. Anyway, first off, how can the BBC, possibly, possibly broadcast that patronising rubbish by that cunt Dimbleby, from Skegness, no less. He looked like he had been hit in the face by a wet fish, which it would have good if he had been. Let's not go into the panel - though I am sure Alan "Dinky" Duncan would love it - but let us look at the host. Patronising, as I said, and he is some cunt who paid journalists on his family-owned local paper in south west London - hardly a cheap place to live - not many thousands of pounds a year, probably less that he gets per night for patronising sad, hairy-eared blokes in jumpers, and also charged said journalists for their notebooks. By hairy-eared, I do not, of course mean Ming Mingy Menzies Campbell who was on. Sorry to use the word c++t again but i cannot think of another one.

And then, we had Andrew Neil, fat, balding, Pamella Bordes going out with sad man, with the Laurel and Hardy de nos jours of Diane Abbott and Michael Portiyo on the ever-smaller sofa. Why don't they just do it on screen? What was that you said? Sorry, didn't catch it. Yeah, unlikely, I admit. And they were both wearing pink shirts. Then Rod Liddle , best editor of the Today programme there has ever been or will be, doing a gurning turn on something or other and do you know what, if I was him, I would go home to Surrey and shoot myself........Unless his girlfriend was awake.

Tony Banks

2006-01-09T11:40:00.000Z

Wasn't a cheeky chappie. He was a class-traitor, useless, womanising cunt.

Surprise Surprise

2005-12-22T12:34:00.000Z

Blair's "surprise" visit to Iraq? A surprise? I am surprised they weren't waiting for him with a battery of SAM's.

Dave is God

2005-12-08T11:23:00.000Z

No, honest, he really is. He is just brilliant, fantastic, young , vibrant, call me Dave, potent, fertile, all-embracing and, dammit, a winner. I would let my daughter marry him. I would encourage her to give him a blow job whether he married her or not. But he would remember her name and thank her nicely afterwards, I bet. He is the man to lead the Tory party to victory. He wears nice suits. He can shave himself, unlike some of those blind Labour bastards. He is married to posh totty. He is great. And please forget anything I or anybody else has said about the Tory party before this. Thankyou.

Hello, Hello, It's Good To Be Back - And Dave

2005-12-07T11:26:00.000Z

Inspired by my one fan - thank you soooooo much for the message - I have decided to stage a comeback. That Cameron bloke, eh? What a toff. Personally, I would like to see his entire class wiped off the face of the earth, preferably by a painful disease. Or, as I have often advocated, we should give the buggers free heroin (cut with something nasty). That said - and his wife has a tattoo on her ANKLE, woo hoo, despite being the daughter of a Duke, how f**king amazing - the Tories have finally made a good choice. The bastards.

Whack Whack Whack

2005-09-23T14:41:00.000+01:00

Why was Timmy Mallet back on television last night? He appeared to be on Question Time pretending to be some chap from the Daily Mail called Quentin Letts.

And what rebate on fees do you think parents of pupils at Brighton College should get for allowing that preening pixie and Blair "biographer" Anthony Seldon use the school they pay for and of which he is headmaster (how does he find the time?) as a backdrop to his overweening pretensions on the dreadful This Week (ha ha, ho ho - copyright Andrew Neil)? God, it's awful. Bring back Mark Mardell and his train driver's uniform. Please.

Blackpool

2005-09-19T16:01:00.000+01:00

Should be nuked. Now.

Finally Getting To The Bottom Of It

2005-09-16T11:51:00.000+01:00

It has become clear. The penny has finally dropped. The veils have lifted. A discussion in a Westminster pub illuminated my world view and explained a lot. "What you don't realise," said a special adviser for a Cabinet Minister after a few pints of Youngs, "is that we are all Leninists." Well, it's a start.

Willetts Backs Davis For Tory Leader

2005-09-16T10:04:00.000+01:00

It really could not get more exciting, could it?

Piers Is In Paperback

2005-09-09T15:56:00.000+01:00

With his crap and highly inaccurate diaries of his time as the editor of an alleged newspaper. If you must have it, steal one - don't give that cant any money.

Revision: It's only £3.99 on Amazon - so please wait until they put the price back up before stealing one.

Nice But Dim

2005-09-08T12:19:00.000+01:00

Well, not particularly nice, according to John Humphrys, but the saga of Tim Allan, former Number 10 spindoctor, and the "Humphrysgate" tape is a fascinating little snapshot of the links between New Labour (the Labour party you CAN eat between meals) and Mr Murdoch's multi-national empire. But before we come on to that, perhaps we should discuss the sheer incompetence of Mr Allan's behaviour. The first rule of spinning is DON'T GET CAUGHT, and the first thing that Tim managed was to get caught. He was the only person in Britain who had a tape of Humphrys' speech. So who leaked it to the Times? It doesn't take Columbo to work that out, Tim. So there we have Alastair Campbell's former right-hand man, former spin-chief for Sky and then "independent" PR consultant (main client - Sky. Tax dodge, anyone?) committing a PR sin worthy of the most junior wannabe with a 2:2 in public relations from the University of Ilkley. So how did Tim reach the dizzy heights of PR hero-hood? Well, there is the Number 10 thing, of course, and when he left there he did an MBA and then worked for Sky. Strangely, Margaret McDonagh, when she left as general secretary of the Labour party, also ended up doing an MBA, which, last I heard, cost money. Thanks Rupert? Tim's wife, of course, works for the Sunday Times, where she heads up the cutting-edge Homes section, and Tom Baldwin, the reporter who received the tape, lives in north London and up Alastair Campbell's a*se. Campbell's a*se is well-set on a chair at the Times where he writes a sports column probably written by more people than read it. Oh that the levers of influence should be in such hands!

Thanks A Million, Kelvin

2005-09-07T12:48:00.000+01:00

How fitting that Kelvin Mackenzie, the former editor of the Sun, has generously agreed to help raise money to rebuild a home for retired journalists.

http://media.guardian.co.uk/presspublishing/story/0,7495,1563981,00.html

After all, he personally "retired" quite a few.

Into The Garden, Maude

2005-09-02T20:35:00.000+01:00

And please, please, please do not come back, is the view held of dear Francis, Tory party chairman, by many party activists and insiders, right across the Conservative political spectrum.
It is now clear, say those who claim to be in the know, that the move to shift the voting power in leadership elections from the grassroots to MPs will be lost when it comes to a vote.
Leaving the party in its customary state. Hopeless.

Right Up The Trousers

2005-09-02T00:50:00.000+01:00

How farcical it really is that Peter Mandelson should be at the centre of this debacle over textile quotas from China, dubbed by the tabloids, of course, "bra wars" in a deliberate reference to Mandy's lack of contact with such garments. You have to wonder how this ridiculous figure, the self-proclaimed king of spin and architect of New Labour (now there's a boast) can continue in public office.
The only man to "resign" from the cabinet twice, and the only politician ever to go back IN the closet after he was first "outed" by the News of the World in the 1980s, Mandy is now wreaking his particular brand of havoc in the EU. How amusing it is too that the man who has brought us this clothing crisis was secretly nicknamed "trousers" by political opponents inside the Labour party. They were not, however, referring to his dress sense.

The World's Worst Newspaper Columnist

2005-09-01T23:10:00.000+01:00

Has got to be Mary Ann Sieghart of the truly appalling Times, which is fast resembling one of those glossy magazines pushed through letterboxes in the posher parts of London. The ones full of ads for upmarket shops and articles by middle-class women who refer to Daughter Number One and Himself. I'm sure you know the sort of bourgeois crap I mean.
Anyway, Mary Ann - known as Mary Ann Pointless by her News International colleagues in what must be a rare outbreak of accuracy in E1 - has excelled herself today in the Times's T2 section.
In fact her column is a masterclass in self-referential bollocks the like of which, truly, rarely does manifest itself on earth.
Not only does the column - ostensibly about sport, about which the World's Worst admits she knows nothing, which is the point of the column (still with me?) - repeatedly mention the man who sits next to her in the office, it then mentions a blog which she has plundered for opinions.
"My friendship with my colleague and office neighbour, Danny Finkelstein, has survived many a political argument, lots of dodgy canteen lunches, and even the nicking of each other's last Diet Coke..." twitters Miss P as the first paragraph of this spectacular work is launched into the world, as though anybody desperately gave a flying fuck, before going on to mention Harry's Place and a post about fair-weather cricket fans.
Note also that reference to political argument - I'm a Blairite, me, she's saying, hoping Keith Rupert Murdoch will notice, for Danny Finkelstein is a Tory, and New Labour, although out of fashion elsewhere, is still the religion of choice at Wapping, dominated as the place is by an American multi-billionaire who is rarely in the UK and relies for his information on people who tell him what they think he wants to hear, like Mary Ann.
So, Mary Ann - lazy, arrogant, desperately stupid and, er, pointless. No wonder newspapers, in the long term, are finished. As Mary Ann should be.

Surely Some Mistake

2005-09-01T20:39:00.000+01:00

In the spelling of the title of Evan Davis's new Radio Four programme about schooldays. It's called Comp!, you see. Clearly trouble with the vowels, twinkle.

Give Winston the IVF Sign

2005-08-17T23:53:00.000+01:00

Fuck Professor Winston, say I. As the papers are full today of "designer babies" and other such nonsense following on the Government's suggested changes to IVF rules, such as they are anyway, nowhere has it been exposed what a pathetic racket the whole thing is. Robert Winston, all round expert on everything, seems to be trying to reinvent himself as a TV star now he has worked out that IVF is no longer seen to be the panacea he told us all it was. In fact, it is a practice run by charlatans feeding off the desperate. The actual chance of an IVF baby runs at about one in five, and more like one in 20 for "older" would be parents, and as every gambler knows, that is one in 20 every roll of the dice. For what, £6000 a throw? Now this clown has used the pages of Associated Newspapers (The Standard and the Mail) to claim that chlamydia, the sexual scourge of our age (I mean one that does not kill you) has nothing to do with infertility. That's like saying the HIV virus has nothing to do with Aids - but he would not try to say that, would he. What an irresponsible twat.

Watch Your Bakri, Mohammed

2005-08-10T19:39:00.000+01:00

However politic it may have been to get out of Britain, and acknowledging the existence of a Lebanese passport, were I a firebrand Muslim cleric accused of inciting violence I do not think I would have moved somewhere nearer the Israeli security services, who are often happy to do favours for their friends.

He's Behind You, John - Oh No He Isn't , Says Blair

2005-08-09T00:04:00.000+01:00

How uncharacteristically immodest of David Blunkett to claim to be "helping out" in running the Government while Tone is away on his holidays. Strange, too, how this claim - made on BBC News 24, audience 3 viewers - happened to end up in the papers when it is well known that Blunkers never, ever, talks to them.

Who KIlled Cock Robin?

2005-08-08T22:23:00.000+01:00

He was the cleverest man in British politics. I know, because he told me. Several times. RIP.

Dixon Of Paddington Green

2005-08-01T20:04:00.000+01:00

Good old Jack "Evenin' all" Warner used to give wrongdoers a clip round the ear. Now you get a clip in the ear. And one round in the shoulder.

Isn't It Ironic? No, Actually

2005-08-01T19:48:00.000+01:00

Peter Hain told the Today programme this morning that it was "ironic" that the IRA had pledged to give up violence when Britain was under renewed terrorist attack. That was either highly disingenuous or the tanned one has about as much idea of what ironic means as Alanis Morrisette. It is not ironic - the IRA has been out-terrored comprehensively by this new breed of lunatics and looks about as up-to-date as a ration-card and as parochial as a church hall. Although, as has been said, it did have the first suicide bomber in Europe - Edward "eejit" O'Brien, the English-born "Irishman" who blew himself up on a bus in 1996. But that (and who could make this up?) was a mistake. Then there is the American taste of terrorism on 9/11 which seemed to change minds about the "boys" over there - so, no, Peter, it is not ironic.

Sofa So Good

2005-07-27T10:29:00.000+01:00

The Serjeant at Arms department in the House of Commons is considered by most MPs to be a law unto itself and the real power inside the building. As well as allowing his Sargeness to ponce about in tights wearing a sword, the department is in charge of all sorts of things including the furniture in MPs' offices. So they quickly guessed the culprit when their sofas - so useful for a quick nap after lunch - started disappearing. Apparently, it has been decided that the sofas were too small for two people to sit on without being "over intimate", and over intimacy would never do in the House of Commons. So they are being replaced with single seater armchairs to keep our democratically elected representatives chaste. Carry on, Serjeant.

Having a Brazilian

2005-07-24T20:36:00.000+01:00

My girlfrend has been a big fan of that for a while but I am not entirely sure it was a good idea for SO19. There we all were, thinking how good it was that one of the bastards had got his comeuppance and what happens is they shoot some poor South American electrician, who may or may not have been illegal and may or may not have had some Columbian marching powder in his pocket. I mean, how incompetent do they have to prove themselves to be? Take that along with the intelligence report which said there was no group capable of mounting an attack and you have to say....er, what he f**k? What we do know is there is a bunch of homicidal, tooled up psychos out there. And they haven't found the 21/7 bombers yet either.

You Know it Makes Sense

2005-07-22T18:15:00.000+01:00

Surprisingly little human rights concern over the shooting of the alleged would-be bomber on the Tube. Which, shows, I suppose, how far we have come. After all, there was a shoot-to-kill policy in Northern Ireland for years but nobody would admit it. Mind you, they refused to admit there was a war going on either. Anyway, the solution to security on the Tube is simple and an old one - arm the People! There are more of us than there are of them.

Have you anything to say to a grateful nation?

2005-07-21T01:06:00.000+01:00

Sorry to go on about Channel Four, but the international dictatorship of the proletariat will never be brought about by public school boys in garish ties. How on earth Jon Snow was allowed to give "Red" Ken such a soft ride last night over the suicide bombings is beyond me.

To the barricades, Comrades

2005-07-21T01:05:00.000+01:00

How nice to see that Elinor Goodman has been given a job on a government quango trying to get more homes built in the countryside. A fair and just reward for years of political reporting on Channel Four. And another example of the "great" and the "good" helping eachother to be, er, great and good. How can you report the government and then take a job with it? Surely that is a comment on what went before? Anyway, thing about the countryside is, it's full of trees and full of....